Tanner, who since he was twelve spends most of his time planning an ever-more-elaborate, ever-less-likely-to-happen wedding for himself, came upon this dull website for what appears to be a collective of wedding dj’s. Amusingly, there’s a page of indie-rock themed wedding mixes, all of which look like rough drafts for the Garden State soundtrack. Being the bitter, dry husks of human beings that we are, the first thing we thought was, “What would the opposite of these mixes look like?”

In that spirit, we proudly offer you seven tracks to spoil the mood at a wedding.

1. The Big Pink – Dominos

“As soon as I love her it’s been too long.
And I really love breaking your heart”

2. The Mountain Goats – No Children
“And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can’t find one good thing to say
And I’d hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You’d stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die”

3. XTC – Your Dictionary

“Now your laughter has a hollow ring
But the hollow ring has no finger in
So lets close the book and let the day begin
And our marriage be undone”

4. Rolling Stones – Out of Time

“You’re out of touch, my baby
My poor discarded baby
I said, baby, baby, baby, you’re out of time”

5. Husker Du – Never Talking to You Again

“I’d put you down where you belong
But I’m never talking to you again
I’d show you everywhere you’re wrong
But I’m never talking to you again”

6. The Misfits – Last Caress

“Well, I got something to say
I killed your baby today
And it doesn’t matter much to me
As long as its dead”

7. Jarvis Cocker – Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time

” ’cause the years fly by in an instant
and you wonder what he’s waiting for
and then some skinny bitch walks by in some hotpants
and he’s running out the door”