This month marks the end of my six year run at Pure Pop. I’m moving to San Francisco where I will most likely move in with my recently-widowed best friend and his brother-in-law to help him raise his three adorably precocious daughters.

I got my first music-retail job fourteen years ago and the majority of my time since then has been spent in this wonderful business. It’s bitter-sweet to be leaving the game. If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to submit one-last rambling “Pop Five” for this website:

The 5 Things I’ll Miss Most About Music Retail

1. The Pipeline -

Through this work I have been exposed to countless bands and albums I’ve come to cherish. Many were recommended by coworkers. Often, a visible interest by our customers has brought something to my attention. Other times I’ve simply taken a chance on something that looks interesting. The sum result is that on what feels like a daily basis this job has consistently provided me with the joy of musical discovery.

2. There Are No Standards of Appearance at a Record Store -

Don’t feel like shaving for a couple of weeks? Is your hair matted and greasy? Do you dress in clothes most people wouldn’t lower themselves to wear if they were painting their house? Music retail is for you. The only time I ever got shit for my outfit at Pure Pop was when I wore a ratty button-down I came to find bore a striking resemblance to the “puffy shirt” of Seinfeld fame.

3. I Believe in Music -

I don’t think it’s cynical to say a lot of people don’t love their jobs. For most of us, it’s a means to an end. I’ve had plenty of jobs that have left me unfulfilled, unstimulated and a little guilt-ridden. For example, I spent a summer working a movie concession stand and felt awful selling buckets of value-less popcorn to obese people for way too much money. At Pure Pop, I believe our product has value, and I’ve been proud to sell it.

4. The Customers -

It would be disingenuous to suggest that every person who walks through the door at Pure Pop is an expert conversationalist with immaculate taste in music, but by and large the people who walk through our door are an intelligent, agreeable and discerning bunch. I’ve struck up more conversations with strangers here than I’ve had hot meals. Pure Pop customer base, you will be missed.

Not pictured: Our customers

5. My Coworkers -

I’m not one for sentimentality and neither are my coworkers, but dammit, they are a lovable bunch. Pure Pop has its share of slow periods, and thanks to the kind of company our staff provides, what would otherwise be unbearable is rendered as pleasant as most social activities. I’m really gonna miss those fuckers.

I think I’m gonna let Roky Erickson take me out with a song that’s more melancholy than the situation merits.

Some may see it as a creatively bankrupt practice but puns in album titles delight me, particularly puns built out of artists names. If I ever come out with an album, I’ll probably call it, “Herb Today, Gone Tomorrow” or some such nonsense. If you’re looking for a cheap way to entertain yourself and some friends, come up with hypothetical punned-name album titles for everyone in the room. It’s not a contest. Everyone’s a winner.

Let’s take a look at some classic examples and consider their degree of success.

1. Ozzy Osbourne – “Ozzmosis”

This is a good place to start because what we have here is a pun that doesn’t really work. The problem? Ozzy’s making a pun out of a dry, scientific term. It doesn’t really provoke an emotional response or visual association. What if Connor Oberst released an album and called it “Connorvalescence?” Pretty lame, right?

2. Justin Timberlake – “Justified”

JT really rides the line here. I dare say if the man wasn’t so darn cool, this pun would come off as pretty lame.  The only bad idea this man’s charisma hasn’t been able to redeem is his performance in The Love Guru. (More like The Loathe Guru. Right?)

3. Greg Kihn – Kihnspiracy

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Greg Kihn, the most prolific punner-of-one’s-own-name in existence. Some highlights from his discography include, “Next of Kihn,” “Rockihnroll,” “Kihntinued,” “Kihntagious,” “Citizen Kihn,” “Unkihntrollable,” “Kihn of Hearts” and “True Kihnfessions.” Mr. Kihn, we at the Pure Pop Blog salute you.

4. Miles Davis – “Milestones”

Like JT’s Justified, this pun doesn’t call attention to itself with unconventional spelling. It’s innocuous, but it works. What a shame Miles Davis didn’t pun his name more often, “Miles” has such puntential.

5. George Strait – “Strait from the Heart”

God bless him. This is not my kind of music, and the cover is nothing short of abysmal, but “Strait from the Heart” is as good as punned-name album titles get. Greg Kihn would be proud. (Or jealous.) This really makes me wish my last name was Strait. Curse my heritage.

We’ve all seen those annoying “Before They Were Famous” bits on tv and in print. Well, here at the Pure Pop Blog we’re not above indulging in cliches. The truth is a lot of you have probably seen this stuff before. However, those that haven’t need to. We must never forget that these beloved artists are fallible.

Phil Collins -- Flaming Youth

Claim to Fame - Phil Collins is currently shorthand for soulless mainstream garbage but he used to be pretty cool. He’s a first rate drummer who’s elevated many classic albums with his contributions and he revolutionized the way we feel about things coming in the air at night. His first high-profile gig was drumming for Genesis, a band he would go on to lead into the upper stratosphere of musical success.

Before All That - Collins was the drummer for Flaming Youth, a pastoral rock quartet who to be fair weren’t all that bad. They never really went anywhere, prompting the young and eager musician to pursue other projects. How much does this video remind you of Spinal Tap playing “Gimme Some Money?”

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As most of you well know, the internet is host to a seemingly infinite number of semi-literate and wholly-baffling opinions. (See this website for several examples.) Perhaps the greatest concentration of these can be found at the retail monolith amazon.com, where customer reviews defy the laws of grammar and logic more often than not. Let’s examine a few of the different ways we can enjoy the dubious meditations of amazon critics. All reviews are quoted exactly, typos and all, except when personal information has been censored.

1. One Star Reviews of Albums Commonly Accepted as “Great”

…on “Rubber Soul” by The Beatles

“Okay, let’s get it straight! I listen to this CD from the Florissant Valley County Library only once because ALL of the songs are totally BORING! I don’t think I’ll buy this CD…maybe………………………MY E-MAIL ADRESS IS thebeatlesfan*****@yahoo.com”

-This woman thinks Rubber Soul is a one-star album, yet her email address begins with “the beatles fan.” Also, she seems undecided on buying it, despite assigning it such a low score.

“This is nowhere near the finest album ever recorded. I’d say somewhere between #100 & #200. I have heard local bands do better than songs like this.”

-You know, even being on the low end of the top 200 hundred albums of all time would be quite an honor.

“Ok…but i prefer Jim Nabors…his voice and styling is superior to the Beatles…and a much better actor..”

-Unfortunately, few artists stand up to the “Jim Nabors Litmus Test.” People looking for a quick grammar lesson take note, this is exactly how to use ellipses.

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There are as many opinions about Health Care Reform as there are strains of the flu. Like it or lump it, the legislators have legislated. Here at Pure Pop we only see one course of action when vastly complicated and controversial bills dominate the headlines; we listen to songs that are superficially connected to them. In that spirit, we proudly present 10 songs to Celebrate or Lament Health Care Reform By.

1. Gregory Isaacs “Night Nurse”

A classy start.

2. Phish “Down With Disease”

The local heroes take a stand against disease.

3. Alien Sex Fiend “Here Cum Germs”

Is being a sex fiend covered under the new plan?

4. Deltron 3030 “Virus”

Animated persons are low-risk for skin disease.

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Have you ever seen a movie you didn’t enjoy, but for one reason or another you still found it commendable? Maybe it had a great performance or perhaps it highlighted a social issue in a way that you liked.

Have you ever known someone who you found insufferably boring, but you liked them anyway, perhaps because of their integrity or because they drive a nice car?

How about with music? I’ve sure experienced this. Here’s a list of bands and artists whose music I don’t enjoy but nonetheless meet with my approval.

Frank Zappa

I don’t care for his music because: Frank Zappa is without question a first-rate composer and performer. Nonetheless, his subversive approach to writing music leaves me cold. It’s perhaps unreasonable to entirely dismiss someone with such a massive catalog, but by and large I don’t enjoy the man’s music when I hear it.

He gets a pass because: Zappa’s autobiography, The Real Frank Zappa Book, is one of the best books I’ve ever read. Also, he wrote the theme song to Duckman and very nearly collaborated with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 folks. Also, this amazingness:

If I had to listen to an album: Cruising with Ruben & The Jets. Definitely.

Eric Clapton

I don’t care for his music because: Eric Clapton is one of the most successful solo artists in all of rock n’ roll. This is in no small part due to the man’s massive talent, but it’s also because most of what he does is extremely safe, middle-of-the-road blues rock. If that’s your bag, god bless you, but I find it sterile.

He gets a pass because: Eric Clapton relentlessly promotes fellow musicians. In the last decade alone, he’s released albums co-billed with B.B. King and J.J. Cale as well as co-headlined tours with the likes of Jeff Beck and Steve Winwood. Granted, these other artists are fairly well-known in their own right, but they get an undeniable boost when they’re working with The Clap’.

If I had to listen to an album: The Derek & The Dominoes album is great and I enjoy quite regularly. As far as solo stuff goes, uhm…  one of the early ones?

Green Day

I don’t care for their music because: Green Day’s brand of stadium pop-punk is a bit too re-heated for me. Sure, when I was 13 their music was a revelation. Dookie was the soundtrack to my being in the seventh grade. Being older, Green Day just don’t strike me as a band that transcend their influences in any satisfying way. They’re way too produced for their style of music and the songs don’t say anything to me.

They get a pass because: When their latest album came out, Green Day refused to offer a censored version of the album, ensuring Wal-Mart wouldn’t carry it. As anemic as I find their music these days, I admire their taking a stand and I wish more bands would do the same.

If I had to listen to an album: Probably Insomniac, for the nostalgia.

Coldplay

I don’t care for their music because: As the always quotable Casey Rea one told me, Coldplay are Radiohead for soccer moms. They aspire to be the biggest band in the world. The consequence of making sure you are inoffensive to all pallets, however, is that you become flavorless.

They get a pass because: Chris Martin’s appearance as himself on Extras was savagely self-deprecating and performed with a surprising comic panache.

If I had to listen to an album: Probably the most recent, what with it’s Eno presence and all.

A lot of us at Pure Pop have been in this music game for a while. When you spend as much time following the news and watching the trends as we do, you develop a sixth sense for what’s coming next. Don’t believe us? Bookmark this page and look at it again in one years’ time. You will be shocked by how accurate these predictions turn our to be. (Note: The following is strictly a piece of comedy. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.)

5. Kanye West Mauled by Bear

During a visit to the San Diego Zoo, the contentious Kanye West will misinterpret a grizzly bear’s scratching of an itch as a personal affront. In retaliation, West will enter the cage and confront said bear, only to be mauled and disfigured. Surviving the incident, West will post a poorly-written and insincerely-self-deprecating post on his blog acknowledging that his hubris has once again left him with egg on his face.

4. Tom Waits Experiences Career Renaissance Due to Tonsillectomy

Gravel-voiced icon Tom Waits will undergo a necessary tonsillectomy this spring. Consequently, Waits’ gruff, growling vocal delivery will be forever changed. His growling tenor will transform into a smooth alto croon. Invigorated and inspired by his new Rick-Astley-esque voice, Waits will release a series of lively big-band arrangements of his most beloved songs. His initially skeptical fan base will embrace Waits 2.0 as will mainstream audiences as never before.

3. Phish Break Up and Get Back Together

During their spring tour, Trey Anastasio will tearfully announce that Phish have once again reached an impasse and decided to go their separate ways. During the summer, each former member of the band will embark on various unsuccessful projects, including six instrumental solo albums by Trey, a collaborative album between Mike Gordon and Living Colour’s drummer, an anthology of limericks by Page Mcconell and a new album from Jon Fishman‘s Pork Tornado. This fall, on Phish’s website, the band will issue a statement saying they’ve realized they are at their happiest and most creative when working together. The subsequent early winter tour will be their most well-attended since the previous reunion tour.

2. Scarlett Johansson Records 2pac Tribute Album

Undaunted by the universal scorn that greeted her album of Tom Waits covers, Scarlett Johansson will continue to pursue her musical ambitions. Setting her sights on martyred hip-hop legend 2pac, Johansson and producer Daniel Lanois will release an album of down-tempo  interpretations of 2pac’s songs. The album sells poorly, becoming a a synonym for celebrity excess and pop-culture vapidity. It’s greatest condemnation will come from 2pac’s mother, Afeni Shakur, who says of the album, “It’s the worst thing to happen to my son since he got shot.”

1. Bono Reveals Indifference To Injustice and Suffering

In a candid interview with Playboy, U2′s Bono will confess his various altruistic endeavors are part of a series of publicity stunts that, as the singer will put it, “…have paid off handsomely.” The Irishman will go onto admit that he “couldn’t really care less about other people’s problems. Have you seen my massive house? It’s bigger than most high schools. I’m not going to mope around over some starving people I’ll never meet when I’m living like an Egyptian emperor, am I?” When pressed for anything that does bother him, Bono will admit that, “Sometimes my personal chef will behave a little informally around me. That irks me to no end.”

When two or more creative personalities dissolve a partnership, the inevitable disparity of accomplishment between the former collaborators can be anything from slight to a gaping chasm. Consider Cheech & Chong. When the comedy duo parted ways, Cheech Marin’s success eclipsed Tommy Chong’s considerably.

Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, a Famous Chonger

In the world of music, this phenomenon is all too common. Here are some unfortunate people who “Chonged” it.

Grant Hart

Hart was a vocalist and drummer for Husker Du. Hart composed about a third of the band’s songs, including many of their best. (Just listen to “Terms of Psychic Warfare.”) When the they split, the band’s other principle songwriter, Bob Mould, went on to achieve his greatest success with a new project, Sugar. These days, Mould’s a respected solo artist who released his ninth solo album to acclaim last year. Hart, on the other hand, has not fared as well. He was misdiagnosed as HIV positive following Husker Du’s break-up. He lived under that misapprehension for six months. His solo career, while producing some memorable and worthwhile albums, hasn’t come close to Mould’s prosperity.

Pete Wylie

Undoubtedly, many of those fortunate enough to have seen The Clash in their heyday were inspired to form bands of their own. The Crucial Three was one such band. They wouldn’t last long enough to record anything, but two of their members would go on to achieve fame and glory. Ian McCulloch formed Echo & The Bunnymen. Julian Cope would find his niche with Teardrop Explodes and as a solo artist. The other guy? Well, Pete Wylie was in a number of bands and, to be fair, he enjoyed a small degree of success. On the other hand, ever hear of Wah!? No? Didn’t think so.

Einar Örn Benediktsson

The Sugar Cubes were a sort of Icelandic B-52s, and their Fred Schneider was Einar Örn Benediktsson, an eccentric and charismatic co-frontman. The other singing Sugar Cube, Bjork, would go on to achieve massive international success and icon status.  Benediktsson kept a much lower profile following his band’s break-up, writing a bit here and there and releasing the occasional, obscure album.

Johnny Marr

Perhaps the most famous musician to Chong on this list, Johnny Marr was one-half of The Smiths songwriting team, a group that influenced and inspired generations. To this day they are one of the 80′s most beloved bands. Unfortunately,they fell apart after four albums. Morrissey went solo and had no trouble maintaining his legions of fans. As integral as Marr was, writing all the band’s music, he has not been able to parlay his credentials to nearly the same degree. As Morrissey continues to release high-profile albums and embark on prestigious tours, Marr’s greatest successes have been sporadic appearances on other artists albums and the occasional stint as a sideman in groups like Modest Mouse.

Andrew Ridgely

They may be nothing more than a punchline today, but Wham! were quite popular when they first hit the scene. The duo put out three multi-platinum albums in four years, no small feat. Frustrated with the teen-baiting corner they’d painted themselves into, George Michael dissolved the group and went solo, releasing one of the best-selling albums of all-time and cementing his status as pop-star-for-life. Ridgely tried his hand at racing before unsuccessfully attempting to relaunch his music career. These days, he golfs.

Rodan

KMD were no great triumph. The endearing hip-hop trio were beset by some terrible luck. For one thing, one of their members, Subroc, was killed during the production of their second album. Subsequently, their label deemed that album too offensive for release and shelved it. It would not see the light of day for another eight years, in an attempt to capitalize on the momentum of former-KMD member (and Subroc’s brother) Zev Love X’s success under his new alias, MF Doom. KMD’s other founding member, Rodan, hasn’t done anything more notable than a couple of under-the-radar releases and a handful of appearances on MF Doom albums.

We’ve had plenty of people weigh in on the best music of the past year, reinforcing my conviction that 2009 was a superlative year for aural fetishists. However, let us not forget the dross, for there has also been a whole lot of crap. In recognizing some of the worst these past twelve months have had to offer, be grateful you have discriminating tastes. Some people eat this shit up.

Chickenfoot – Chickenfoot

The debut from this “supergroup” is the sonic equivalent of Roger Moore’s performance in View to a Kill, in which a 57-year-old Moore phones in an awkward farewell performance as James Bond, a role he should have given up fifteen years prior. Sammy Hagar (Van Halen), Marc Anthony (Van Halen), Joe Statriani and Chad Smith (Red Hot Chili Peppers) are clearly trying to carry the Led Zepplin mantle but simply come off as a terrible bar band. Even if you love Joe Satriani and Hagar-era Van Halen, this album has nothing to offer you but incompetent riffs and the death-rattle like rasps of a man who used to be able to carry a tune.

Asher Roth – Asleep in the Bread Aisle

With any other album on this list, if you were to say to me, “Herb. I know it’s not your thing, but I like it,” I’d let you have it. Lord knows I listen to plenty of stuff that other people despise. The exception is this musical abomination by Asher Roth, who’s break out single “I Love College” is lazy, derivative and repugnant. The kind of lifestyle Roth celebrates with his music is characterized by merry ignorance, lecherous sexuality and milquetoast wit. Roth is the embodiment of the worst qualities of mainstream music and the manufactured personalities it produces.

Owl City – Ocean Eyes

Tacky. Saccharine. Overly-sentimental. Garbage. Ocean Eyes is a Postal Service record filtered through a Family Circus cartoon. Every song is a polished-to-nothing and empty-headed epic-ballad that makes Captain & Tennille sound like Black Sabbath. I feel a little bad writing this, because I believe Adam Young, who is Owl City’s sole member, is a sincere songwriter. Unfortunately, he gives me a severe allergic reaction.

Various Artists – The Michael Jackson Remix Suite

The crass commercial exploitation that follows a celebrity’s death is as likely as the wetness that follows rain, but as often and inevitably as the macabre exercise occurs, it never loses its capacity to disgust. There were a number of releases in the wake of Michael Jackson’s death that exemplified this, but none more so than The Michael Jackson Remix Suite, a collection of profoundly boring remixes of Jackson’s hits that have sapped the originals of their vitality and charm. If the goal of this album was to reflect via Jackson’s songs what Jackson did to himself, mission accomplished. Like the former King of Pop, these songs are grotesque, unnatural caricatures that have been sedated to death.

Hey, it’s my top ten list for this year. Hope you like. It’s been a rough year for me. High school sucks.

7.  The Jesus And Mary Chain, “Automatic”

This tape is really cool, but too short even though it has two extra songs on it. It has a really neat rocking sound with electric drums. Triple-X has been playing “Head On” a lot but I like “Blues From A Gun” way better. I don’t care about the state of my hair!