5. Salem – King Night

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that feels like shooting a big bag of heroin after listening to this gargantuan sludge beast of an album. If Kanye’s latest is the emotional 8ball (complete with moments of hysterical crying), King Night is the massive dose of Ketamine and heroin that finally brings me down. Wayyy down. To the point where blood red subbass rolling it’s uglies all over the screaming face of Oh Holy Night or lyrics like

“It’s like people say, we all gonna die
But me is different Im not tryin to be alive
I just try to get high
Baby I just I just I
pull the sheet over my face before I die”

Slurred and menacing over molasses-slow dirty south beats held under water by an industrial freezer synth bass and punctuated by samples of cars crashing. These are just what the good doctor ordered.  It’s a sound that always feels like it’s on the verge of it’s eyes rolling back up into it’s own head and passing out with a Malborough 120 in its hand, but somehow manages to be not only the soul transcendent offering from the whole Witch House scene to date, but one of the best albums of the year.

(See also Balam Acab, OOooOo, White Ring, etc)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeHtzs91Xm0

4. Zola Jesus – Stridulum II

Zola Jesus’s Nika Roza Danilova is the voice of the over-mother. Cold, powerful, emotionally and physically all encompassing – her drums pound like a determined heart and her synths continually rise and wrap round with thick blankets of cold, stifling love. (What? Me?Mother issues? Nah…)  I’m just saying, Stridulum II is the best sequenced, mixed and mastered version of Zola Jesus to come out yet. When Zola finally uncovered her voice and melodies from behind the wall of noise she showed us she was ready to take it all on, and showed us what was really there – angst, sure, but anger and violence turned out to be love, strong determined love – A woman hell bent to shield her lover from harm, to offer protection, to assure them of the end of suffering.

Stridulum II soars with leaden inevitability, there’s a deep core of strength, and even when she sings “You gotta help me out” on Manifest Destiny, you know she’s gonna make it regardless, and on the way she’ll rescue you, the kids, and anyone else she sets her love to.

(see also Zola Jesus)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlddZf9R0jU

3. Twin Shadow – Forget

This album was so close to being my number one, and depending on my mood, how much I’ve had to drink, how sentimental I let myself get – it can quickly run up the charts and stay on the top of my playlist for days.  Tight, melodically dazzling songs about romantic young love, dancing, ghosts, a voice that takes me back to everything that’s great about Morrissey but minus some of the whine and none of the falsetto yelping, shimmering synth lines, lean, choppy guitars, funky bass lines, swinging drum machines – everything in it’s right place. A true gem of an album that on every listen gives you a new favorite track, new favorite lyric ( “As if it wasn’t enough to hear you speak, they had to give you lips like that.”), and new favorite reason to let this one just roll on repeat.

(see also Wild Nothing, The xx)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUlVZKqs5oc

2. The National – High Violet

The National are my boys – I wanna sit in the back of a bar in a button-up shirt and jacket, tie askew, hair-line receding (faster and faster) – Whiskey in hand and listening to this album on repeat with these guys. They’d pick it and each other apart, laugh at it, downplay it, there would be quiet moments and deep draws, we’d go out and smoke cigarettes even though we shouldn’t – we’re getting older and there are fewer of us around these days…

Some have argued that it’s the same album they’ve been making for the last 3 or so, but that’d be ignoring the subtleties, the small but important changes, new skills learned, melodies refined – much like the common person’s life, when viewed from afar, seems the same, unchanging, monotonous – but we all know that upclose and person, we’re all constantly in flux, growing and straining.

The National are the soundtrack to my everyday, while the rest of the albums on my list are part of my escape from it, High Violet is the sound of the working week, driving to the doctor, the grey skies, late to bed, late to rise weekdays that bleed into weekends, domestic disagreements, quiet insignificant resentments, things we forget to do, things we wish we’d never done.

It’s an album about the cold, uncertain world and its uncertain people making uncertain decisions and its little, wiry special power is that it makes it all feel ok.  In fact, The National’s music lifts up all those moments in our mundane lives and drinks a sad toast to the secret drama and magic we give them.

(see also The Walkmen)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IIYjPlnCi4

1. Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

If anyone would have told me in February of this year that by December I’d be praising the genius of Kanye West I’d have said they should all put their money where their mouth is and started planning my new life as an international boy of leisure.  And if that had happened, I’d be broke as hell now. Broke, leisure-less, but rich in decade defining music (and stretched to the breaking point overstatements…)

Twisted Fantasy is without a shadow of a doubt this year’s greatest musical achievement, it’s also without a doubt this years greatest artistic, personal, and commercial success. I will fight anyone who says otherwise (With scathing words). Track after track Yeezy (that’s what his friends call him) lays bare his confusion, paranoia, megalomania, deepest fears, and greatest hopes in a kaleidoscope of style, beats and samples, stretching, bending and breaking the rules of hip hop while maintaining a firm hand on the rudder the whole time. I can’ t think of of an album that has left me feeling as emotionally unstable by the end. (This is a compliment.) Through out it’s some-odd 70 minutes my emotional state oscillates between fist pumping stupid-ass grinning, head nodding solemnity, to head shaking embarrassment – not for the track, but the man himself. Kanye is losing his mind it seems, at the very least he’s losing track of what matters to him (or maybe not…) – but that’s ok… cause this time he’s in on it, he’s shaking his own head at himself, as he says on “Power” [he's] on [his] own dick.

I’ve never experienced an album with such a conflicted personality, somehow both wildly inconsistent and golden throughout. Guitar solos, instrumental breaks, lines about Steve Urkle, his black balls, strangulation during sex, running trains, “No more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need.” Self aware or not – he’s an all to human curiosity and in the world of hip hop where everyone is larger than life and plays everything so close to script – I kind of appreciate that whether or not he realizes it, kanye’s more often than not showing us his hand while he thinks he’s got his poker face on.

(See also, Michael Jackson, Syd Barrett, Led Zeppelin, Beethoven.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7W0DMAx8FY

Where am I? Inside 2010 with James Murphy, that's where.

It’s bloody hard to go twelve months in new music without finding something that you dig, but 2010 was an especially good twelve months. For me anyway. Grand statements aside, it was much harder to narrow this year down to ten of my favorite releases than it was last year. So here we go with some honorable mentions:

I spent a good amount of time on a few mega releases. Beach House‘s Teen Dream leaked last November and still sort of feels like a 2009 joint rather than something out of this year. The duo cleaned off their basement haze pop dynamic into something all together shiny with beautifully minimal guitar and organ melodies, but Vitoria Lagrand’s voice, which was decidedly bigger than previous releases, is what really set things apart for Beach House this year. Arcade Fire‘s The Suburbs happened. The record is huge and, for better or worse, it’s Arcade Fire (for better). Deerhunter‘s new record continues to push the group into indie dominance. I don’t really have much more to say about Holcyon Digest other than, just listen to those saxes on “Coronado” or the wordless chorus on “Revival” or the rhythm jam on “Memory Boy.” Sufjan Stevens returned to relevancy with two amazing releases–All Delighted People EP and Age of Adz–both shamelessly indulging in their unending pastiche of wondrous intricacy–Sufjan ever leading his army of musicians into the territory of beautiful inapplicability. Except when it’s just him whispering softly into your ear.

My number 10 spot was especially competitive this year. Here’s what didn’t quite make the list but you should check out anyway because they’re pretty good: Twin Shadow‘s Forget was a pretty pleasant pop music surprise. The record is a sharp playlist of synthpop songs with a contemporary fondness for the 1980s. Darkstar‘s North found an endearing place between synthpop’s immediacy and dubstep’s negative space. The group’s label, Hyperdub, certainly seemed busy this past year. Perfume Genius‘s Learning was another surprise, and a pretty special record, being a collection of ten highly affecting lo-fi piano tunes. Lo-fi in the right sense too, in that it feels and sounds like it was found by chance somewhere forgotten and dusty. Australia’s Tame Impala with their debut, Innerspeaker, created some analog psych-pop that sounds drenched in 1960s summer sun. Salem led the mid-year witch house (or whatever it’s called) charge with King Night and their blend of chopped and screwed hip-hop with heavy graveyard dream pop. But enough. Needless to say, it was an amazing year. On to the list:

10. Prince Rama – Shadow Temple / The Body – All The Waters of The Earth Shall Turn To Blood (Tie)

A tie (okay, so it’s not quite down to ten). I wrestled endlessly between these two, but it’s a fitting tie. Shadow Temple is a very straight forward record, unlike a lot of pseudo-experimental psychedelic rock records these days that get too bogged down with esoteric indulgences. Prince Rama aims to create a swirling wall of sound formed by synthesizers, guitars, chants, and wordless vocals, all propelled by ceremonial tribal percussion. And it does that. With great success owed to it’s momentous energy, distant melody, and a perfect balance of all these elements to leave the listener breathless on the edge of whatever state of transcendence the group creates in the record’s thirty-five minute span. The Body finds their own form of transcendence on All The Waters… (as apocalyptic and metal as it sounds) in a primal slow freak-out brand of sludge that combines classic downtuned droney riffs and cathartic “holy-shit” banshee screams with a layer of careful experimentalism made up of femm choirs, guttural throat chanting, and string arrangements that never get in the way of the devastatingly crushing noise.

9. James Blake – Klavierwerke EP

James Blake was a busy lad this year and he deserves some kind of recognition for it. Three very strong EPs all of which showed great diversity and a sense of linear evolution from clubby dubstep into something altogether unique, ending with a cover of Feist’s “Limit Your Love,” which points forward to a pop, vocal-based direction for the young Englishman. Klavierwerke is the third in the string of EPs and easily the strongest. The Bell Sketch and CMYK are both arguably dance crossovers, whereas Klavierwerke exists firmly between your noggin as a headphones-destined kind of record. It’s so minimal in places it’s almost cocky. James Blake gets constant props for his unique use of pitch-shifted vocal samples, but the element of his sound that struck me most, especially on this record, is how powerful his use of negative space, that often descends into flat out silence, can be.

8. Scuba – Triangulation

This year dubstep turned into post-dubstep and post-dubstep turned back into dubstep until that turned back into just being general electronic music maybe and then no one cared. I did a full review of this record for Purepop back in September and it has only continued to grow on me. Scuba’s Triangulation is the essential isolated-nighttime record of 2010, basically destined for some personal midnight walking choreography. As danceable as it is meditative, Scuba’s production is full of momentum and atmosphere, and there’s enough attention to detail to impress the most nerdy of production nerds.

7. Zola Jesus – Stridulum EP

Zola Jesus didn’t quite hit it big this year, but the two EP’s she released in 2010 has her, in my mind, destined for something great if she can follow them up with an appropriate full-lenth LP. She’s only 21, for one. And otherwise, she has a pretty distinguished voice that’s touted as operatically trained, and press aside, it is huge and gorgeous. Then there’s the music simply being damn affecting for some reason. It’s made up of overlapping synth melodies drowning in a thick wash of gothic black reverb. The drums and lyrics are perfectly simple. All to create a uniquely thick and immediate sound.

6. Teebs – Ardour

Ardour sounds like a record of beautifully musical found-sound. It’s a perfectly organic album that’s offset by its beautiful melodies of sparkling shimmering percussive samples with the right amount of Brainfeeder-style drum programming to weigh it down. Teebs seems anxious to show his audience glimpses of an aural paradise he’s discovered and brought back with him only to rough it up with huge kick drums and offbeat snare. It helps the songs barely ever cross the three minute mark, creating a sort of naturalistic flow that’s been pieced together with as much delicacy as which it was discovered.

5. Robyn – Body Talk

Robyn seems aimed at the mainstream pop crowd of omg! kids and fans of the most fleeting of immediate music. Her lyrics, for instance, are nine times out of ten written about the most superficial brand of feminine heartbreak. Yet, the majority of her fans (the ones I’ve interacted with, anyway) are dudes maybe a little too old and a little too dudeish for the target audience. It makes sense though, Robyn decided to be a pop star on her terms, creating her own record label and re-imagining herself in 2005 with a great self-titled record. Body Talk is the 2010 follow-up, completely dusting the re-boot debut. But industry aside, there’s the music. And most importantly, beneath all the pop bravado, there’s an amazing (and genuine) voice over some of the most flat-out impressive melodies, voiced by thick sequenced synths, and punctuated by huge 4/4 kick drums (credit due to Robyn’s in house producer, Klas Ahlund). It’s as immediate as it is lasting.

4. Balam Acab - Sea birds EP

Balam Acab was lumped in with the witch house thing that happened sometime in the middle of 2010, but was lucky enough to remain a standout, and a few months on, it’s a stretch to contrive the young producer’s place as an extension of a scene. Sea Birds is a bedroom record, but every single element is perfectly placed, from the unabashed use of internet samples to the distorted haze of synths. The success though, is in the affecting melodies, which always surprise as if they just happen to be that good.

3. Baths – Cerulean

Baths found a unique space between the weighty Los Angeles/Brainfeeder-style drum hooks and a bubbly vocalized lover-boy brand of indie pop (track four is simply an icon of a heart). The record flows with enough surface immediacy to grab the listener’s attention, but it’s the detail and earnestness that Baths brings to the sound: the samples of children experiencing some kind of catharsis on “Aminals,” the beat dropping out to leave the voice to rise on its own on “Apologetic Shoulder Blades,” or when the two vocal tracks reach perfect harmony for only a measure on “You’re My Excuse To Travel.”

2. LCD Soundsystem – This Is Happening

“Dance Yrself Clean” is the perfect opening track. Starting off with unassuming sticky DFA hand claps and James Murphy contemplating some sort of neutral ground, the track gets blow apart by a huge snare fill, making way for Mr. Murphy to scream and holler over the best synth battle LCD has ever put to tape only to settle back into passivity again. The rest of the record is an aggressive balance of what makes a great LCD Soundsystem record: a few momentous ballads (“All I Want,” “Home”), some laughs (“Drunk Girls,” “Pow Pow”), self-deprecating sincerity (“I Can Change”)–all of which is dance floor ready.

1. Flying Lotus - Cosmogramma

I kind of just want to say, “well, obviously, right?” but that’s the problem, it’s not obvious. Flying Lotus‘s statement of genius comes as an understatement. It’s a challenging record. A mixture of personal mythology and forward thinking electronic music, analog and digital, that’s altogether transcendent and singular, creating its own headphone spirituality. The record bridges an eclectic mix of astral jazz lingering gently at the distant edges of the sound and a thick pallet of chewy synths and weighty samples along with FlyLo’s stilted organic drum programming to create an abstracted dystopic landscape. The record has been continuously praised (or written off) as a technical wonder, which it is, but that’s not even half of what makes it great. I’ll reach in deep if you let it. This is the best record to come out of this year. I made it all clear in my Los Angeles feature for Pure Pop a couple weeks back, but this album doesn’t need to be spoken for.

This month marks the end of my six year run at Pure Pop. I’m moving to San Francisco where I will most likely move in with my recently-widowed best friend and his brother-in-law to help him raise his three adorably precocious daughters.

I got my first music-retail job fourteen years ago and the majority of my time since then has been spent in this wonderful business. It’s bitter-sweet to be leaving the game. If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to submit one-last rambling “Pop Five” for this website:

The 5 Things I’ll Miss Most About Music Retail

1. The Pipeline -

Through this work I have been exposed to countless bands and albums I’ve come to cherish. Many were recommended by coworkers. Often, a visible interest by our customers has brought something to my attention. Other times I’ve simply taken a chance on something that looks interesting. The sum result is that on what feels like a daily basis this job has consistently provided me with the joy of musical discovery.

2. There Are No Standards of Appearance at a Record Store -

Don’t feel like shaving for a couple of weeks? Is your hair matted and greasy? Do you dress in clothes most people wouldn’t lower themselves to wear if they were painting their house? Music retail is for you. The only time I ever got shit for my outfit at Pure Pop was when I wore a ratty button-down I came to find bore a striking resemblance to the “puffy shirt” of Seinfeld fame.

3. I Believe in Music -

I don’t think it’s cynical to say a lot of people don’t love their jobs. For most of us, it’s a means to an end. I’ve had plenty of jobs that have left me unfulfilled, unstimulated and a little guilt-ridden. For example, I spent a summer working a movie concession stand and felt awful selling buckets of value-less popcorn to obese people for way too much money. At Pure Pop, I believe our product has value, and I’ve been proud to sell it.

4. The Customers -

It would be disingenuous to suggest that every person who walks through the door at Pure Pop is an expert conversationalist with immaculate taste in music, but by and large the people who walk through our door are an intelligent, agreeable and discerning bunch. I’ve struck up more conversations with strangers here than I’ve had hot meals. Pure Pop customer base, you will be missed.

Not pictured: Our customers

5. My Coworkers -

I’m not one for sentimentality and neither are my coworkers, but dammit, they are a lovable bunch. Pure Pop has its share of slow periods, and thanks to the kind of company our staff provides, what would otherwise be unbearable is rendered as pleasant as most social activities. I’m really gonna miss those fuckers.

I think I’m gonna let Roky Erickson take me out with a song that’s more melancholy than the situation merits.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BosCo9tEHlw

Some may see it as a creatively bankrupt practice but puns in album titles delight me, particularly puns built out of artists names. If I ever come out with an album, I’ll probably call it, “Herb Today, Gone Tomorrow” or some such nonsense. If you’re looking for a cheap way to entertain yourself and some friends, come up with hypothetical punned-name album titles for everyone in the room. It’s not a contest. Everyone’s a winner.

Let’s take a look at some classic examples and consider their degree of success.

1. Ozzy Osbourne – “Ozzmosis”

This is a good place to start because what we have here is a pun that doesn’t really work. The problem? Ozzy’s making a pun out of a dry, scientific term. It doesn’t really provoke an emotional response or visual association. What if Connor Oberst released an album and called it “Connorvalescence?” Pretty lame, right?

2. Justin Timberlake – “Justified”

JT really rides the line here. I dare say if the man wasn’t so darn cool, this pun would come off as pretty lame.  The only bad idea this man’s charisma hasn’t been able to redeem is his performance in The Love Guru. (More like The Loathe Guru. Right?)

3. Greg Kihn – Kihnspiracy

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Greg Kihn, the most prolific punner-of-one’s-own-name in existence. Some highlights from his discography include, “Next of Kihn,” “Rockihnroll,” “Kihntinued,” “Kihntagious,” “Citizen Kihn,” “Unkihntrollable,” “Kihn of Hearts” and “True Kihnfessions.” Mr. Kihn, we at the Pure Pop Blog salute you.

4. Miles Davis – “Milestones”

Like JT’s Justified, this pun doesn’t call attention to itself with unconventional spelling. It’s innocuous, but it works. What a shame Miles Davis didn’t pun his name more often, “Miles” has such puntential.

5. George Strait – “Strait from the Heart”

God bless him. This is not my kind of music, and the cover is nothing short of abysmal, but “Strait from the Heart” is as good as punned-name album titles get. Greg Kihn would be proud. (Or jealous.) This really makes me wish my last name was Strait. Curse my heritage.

Phil Collins – Flaming Youth

Claim to Fame - Phil Collins is currently shorthand for soulless mainstream garbage but he used to be pretty cool. He’s a first rate drummer who’s elevated many classic albums with his contributions and he revolutionized the way we feel about things coming in the air at night. His first high-profile gig was drumming for Genesis, a band he would go on to lead into the upper stratosphere of musical success.

Before All That - Collins was the drummer for Flaming Youth, a pastoral rock quartet who to be fair weren’t all that bad. They never really went anywhere, prompting the young and eager musician to pursue other projects. How much does this video remind you of Spinal Tap playing “Gimme Some Money?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fj9JZhG8s4

Tori Amos – Y Kant Tori Read

Claim to Fame - While she might not sell the most albums, Tori Amos has one of the most intense fan-bases in music. Multiply a Juggalo by a Bieber-Head and you’re getting there.

Since the 1990′s Tori Amos has been worshiped like a goddess. What about her resonates so strongly with people? I can’t really say, but Little Earthquakes is an awesome album, and despite what the pictured-above tattoo and soon-to-follow video indicate, she’s pretty foxy.

Before All That - Odds are, if you know Tori Amos, you’re familiar with Y Kant Tori Read. YKTR was Tori’s band in the 1980′s. If you’re not familiar with them, their style was generic, shitty synth pop. Please note, Tori has redeemed herself a thousand times over for Y Kant Tori Read. That said, check out this hilariously awful video. What porno movie script did they steal that intro from?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzTNhdO0elM

Billy Joel – Atilla

Claim to Fame - Being Billy Joel. Much like the previously mentioned Phil Collins, Billy Joel is a towering icon of popular music who is both celebrated and reviled for his ability to write to the masses. Love him or hate him, the man can churn out pop hooks with an uncanny ease.

Before All That - In the late ’60s, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and people still listened to cd’s, Billy Joel was in a pseudo prog/heavy metal band called Atilla. (Get it? As in the Hun!) Atilla have a reputation for being terrible, but I have to say I just find them a little indulgent. It is nonetheless ridiculous enough to be featured on this list.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLuiVJBZyVM

Ricky Gervais – Seona Dancing

Claim to Fame - The only non-musician on this list, Ricky Gervais’s first success was managing popular brit-pop band Suede early in their career. A few years later he would produce one of the most successful television programs of all-time, The Office. Ever hear of it, or perhaps one of it’s five remakes? Here’s a clip from the Chilean version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqDhRZhZvZw

Before All That – In the 80′s, when a lot of these career false starts seem to take place, Gervais was in a synth-pop band called Seona Dancing. Whereas Y Kant Tori Read was sort of Madonna meets Kate Bush synth pop, Seona Dancing is more Depeche Mode meets David Bowie synth pop. It’s really not that bad, it’s just terribly funny in context. If you haven’t seen it, you are welcome:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXhSqmfRTfY

Bjork – Bjork Gudmunsdottir

Claim to Fame - Bjork is one of Rock’s most beloved eccentrics. Always a few steps ahead of her fans, she’s as known (and adored) for her music as her unexpected and bizarre acts, like when she wore a swan dress to the 2001 Academy Awards.

She’s also an actress, a patron of the arts, and the world’s most famous Icelander with the possible exception of Ragnar Bragason. (Just kidding. Sorry Ragnar.)

Before All That - Bjork’s talent emerged at an early age. When the poor thing was eight-ish, she recorded an album of mostly covers sung in her native tongue. This album is of absolutely no interest to anyone. Do not seek it out. There is no pleasure to be derived from listening to it. Here is its version of “Fool on the Hill,” in case you don’t believe me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no_G6Qyo04k

As most of you well know, the internet is host to a seemingly infinite number of semi-literate and wholly-baffling opinions. (See this website for several examples.) Perhaps the greatest concentration of these can be found at the retail monolith amazon.com, where customer reviews defy the laws of grammar and logic more often than not. Let’s examine a few of the different ways we can enjoy the dubious meditations of amazon critics. All reviews are quoted exactly, typos and all, except when personal information has been censored.

1. One Star Reviews of Albums Commonly Accepted as “Great”

…on “Rubber Soul” by The Beatles

“Okay, let’s get it straight! I listen to this CD from the Florissant Valley County Library only once because ALL of the songs are totally BORING! I don’t think I’ll buy this CD…maybe………………………MY E-MAIL ADRESS IS thebeatlesfan*****@yahoo.com”

-This woman thinks Rubber Soul is a one-star album, yet her email address begins with “the beatles fan.” Also, she seems undecided on buying it, despite assigning it such a low score.

“This is nowhere near the finest album ever recorded. I’d say somewhere between #100 & #200. I have heard local bands do better than songs like this.”

-You know, even being on the low end of the top 200 hundred albums of all time would be quite an honor.

“Ok…but i prefer Jim Nabors…his voice and styling is superior to the Beatles…and a much better actor..”

-Unfortunately, few artists stand up to the “Jim Nabors Litmus Test.” People looking for a quick grammar lesson take note, this is exactly how to use ellipses.

…on “Kind of Blue” by Miles Davis

“This is one of the worst albums I’ve ever bought. It’s so boring and lifeless. Good to fall asleep to.”

-Who doesn’t fall asleep to albums they otherwise despise?

“C’mon, this stuff is a drag! If you have to ‘acquire’ a taste for this stuff, then it hasn’t hit you right off, which is what great music does. No waiting for the effect….great music says HELLO!!!…..not….Shhhhh…..it’s time for sleep! One reviewer compared this to Dark Side of the Moon, but at least on DSOTM, Pink Floyd had the sense to add the alarm clocks to stir you. Closing time music for the droll and lifeless. One star out of pity!!!”

-If Kind of Blue had alarm clock noises, it would certainly be a better album. Well said.

2. Five Star Reviews of Albums Commonly Accepted as “Terrible”

…on “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” by Limp Bizkit

“If you like limp bizkit you will love this cd even if you don’t you will like some of the songs. if you like there mello stuff then you will love hold on or boiler. and if you are a true hardcore limp fan like me then you will love their whole cd.”

-This is actually a fair point. I’m simply amused that the possessive form of they is attempted twice and successfully executed once.

“I’m a long time fan of limp bizkit I have been awating this cd For ever. I’m so happy it is fimaly out. I found that in each of limp bizkits Cd they have a different stly. this one is slofter but more swairing witch is cool. The last one was more rap and the first ws more hard rock. I love the track livin it up.”

-Yep. Pretty much says it all.

…on “All or Nothing” by Milli Vanilli

“This group was still awesome to me after I found out that they were not singing. They still brought the style and dance to the songs which is what made them sell. I still love this CD and I will always listen to it.”

-But will you always dance to it?

“Indeed, the entire Milli Vanilli front-show was a facade. However, after 10 years, the music is still cutting edge. I believe it still will be in another decade.

From the stompin’ “Girl You Know it’s True” to the tender ‘I Gonna Miss You’, the album is exceptional.

I suggest you listen for yourself and relive the late 80′s with a new perspective on dance music.”

-This guy describes the album as both “stompin” and “tender.” Coincidentally, you can make things tender by stomping on them.

3. Reviews that support your out-of-step opinion

…on “Drama” by Yes (which I love)

“This album has more in common with the nine years prior to it than anything the band has done since. It has all of the harmonic and rhythmic complexity, the amazing energy and musicianship of any of the their best work. If you love 70′s prog, buy this album.”

-Amen, brother.

” ‘Drama’ is often overlooked and denegraded because of the absence of Anderson & Wakeman. Oh boo hoo ! ‘Drama’ ROCKS and stands on its own as a gem among the Yes discography. There is not a single bad moment on “Drama” with all 6 songs delivering the goods. The bonus tracks are OK, but nothing spectacular. The Roger Dean cover art has to be one of the all time best. You can find this disc at a nice price and you cannot go wrong with this selection unless you were expecting a ‘dramatic’ reading of Hamlet”

-Word

…on “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” by Wilco (which I don’t care for)

“Yuck. There’s no other way to describe this pile of garbage. If this is what I have to look forward to from Wilco from now on they might as well throw in the towel now while they still have some dignity left and leave us with the other outstanding albums they’ve done like Being There.”

-Giggle

“I bought this CD after reading all the great reviews and hearing all the hype about it. Ever since, I’ve been listening to it over and over, trying to figure out what people find so great about it. I’d advise you to download some of the songs first and decide for yourself. Like another reviewer said, don’t buy into the hype.”

-A more tempered opinion.

1. Gregory Isaacs “Night Nurse”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyEP_st9csI

A classy start.

2. Phish “Down With Disease”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNt1IdNEJ-c

The local heroes take a stand against disease.

3. Alien Sex Fiend “Here Cum Germs”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohYp1C14Dp8

Is being a sex fiend covered under the new plan?

4. Deltron 3030 “Virus”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijPE7fe4XTg

Animated persons are low-risk for skin disease.

5. La Lupe “Fever”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L90npLTtipU

One of hundreds of versions of this song.

6. Eels “Cancer for the Cure”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5KuI7ZJyhQ

The only version of this song.

7. Roxy Music “Love is the Drug”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIR1jLbWiz0

Was Bryan Ferry’s eye-patch covered by his insurer?

8. Spiritualized “Medication”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhKGiFZWCYc

Drugs may be bad, but you can thank them for this song.

9. Smiths “Still Ill”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxZo5UODCCg

Morrissey gave Johnny Marr a rash.

10. Thompson Twins “Doctor Doctor”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpquwTW5CKs

A doctor for each twin.

Have you ever seen a movie you didn’t enjoy, but for one reason or another you still found it commendable? Maybe it had a great performance or perhaps it highlighted a social issue in a way that you liked.

Have you ever known someone who you found insufferably boring, but you liked them anyway, perhaps because of their integrity or because they drive a nice car?

How about with music? I’ve sure experienced this. Here’s a list of bands and artists whose music I don’t enjoy but nonetheless meet with my approval.

Frank Zappa

I don’t care for his music because: Frank Zappa is without question a first-rate composer and performer. Nonetheless, his subversive approach to writing music leaves me cold. It’s perhaps unreasonable to entirely dismiss someone with such a massive catalog, but by and large I don’t enjoy the man’s music when I hear it.

He gets a pass because: Zappa’s autobiography, The Real Frank Zappa Book, is one of the best books I’ve ever read. Also, he wrote the theme song to Duckman and very nearly collaborated with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 folks. Also, this amazingness:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ISil7IHzxc

If I had to listen to an album: Cruising with Ruben & The Jets. Definitely.

Eric Clapton

I don’t care for his music because: Eric Clapton is one of the most successful solo artists in all of rock n’ roll. This is in no small part due to the man’s massive talent, but it’s also because most of what he does is extremely safe, middle-of-the-road blues rock. If that’s your bag, god bless you, but I find it sterile.

He gets a pass because: Eric Clapton relentlessly promotes fellow musicians. In the last decade alone, he’s released albums co-billed with B.B. King and J.J. Cale as well as co-headlined tours with the likes of Jeff Beck and Steve Winwood. Granted, these other artists are fairly well-known in their own right, but they get an undeniable boost when they’re working with The Clap’.

If I had to listen to an album: The Derek & The Dominoes album is great and I enjoy quite regularly. As far as solo stuff goes, uhm…  one of the early ones?

Green Day

I don’t care for their music because: Green Day’s brand of stadium pop-punk is a bit too re-heated for me. Sure, when I was 13 their music was a revelation. Dookie was the soundtrack to my being in the seventh grade. Being older, Green Day just don’t strike me as a band that transcend their influences in any satisfying way. They’re way too produced for their style of music and the songs don’t say anything to me.

They get a pass because: When their latest album came out, Green Day refused to offer a censored version of the album, ensuring Wal-Mart wouldn’t carry it. As anemic as I find their music these days, I admire their taking a stand and I wish more bands would do the same.

If I had to listen to an album: Probably Insomniac, for the nostalgia.

Coldplay

I don’t care for their music because: As the always quotable Casey Rea one told me, Coldplay are Radiohead for soccer moms. They aspire to be the biggest band in the world. The consequence of making sure you are inoffensive to all pallets, however, is that you become flavorless.

They get a pass because: Chris Martin’s appearance as himself on Extras was savagely self-deprecating and performed with a surprising comic panache.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJmtJGPd7Qk

If I had to listen to an album: Probably the most recent, what with it’s Eno presence and all.

5. Kanye West Mauled by Bear

During a visit to the San Diego Zoo, the contentious Kanye West will misinterpret a grizzly bear’s scratching of an itch as a personal affront. In retaliation, West will enter the cage and confront said bear, only to be mauled and disfigured. Surviving the incident, West will post a poorly-written and insincerely-self-deprecating post on his blog acknowledging that his hubris has once again left him with egg on his face.

4. Tom Waits Experiences Career Renaissance Due to Tonsillectomy

Gravel-voiced icon Tom Waits will undergo a necessary tonsillectomy this spring. Consequently, Waits’ gruff, growling vocal delivery will be forever changed. His growling tenor will transform into a smooth alto croon. Invigorated and inspired by his new Rick-Astley-esque voice, Waits will release a series of lively big-band arrangements of his most beloved songs. His initially skeptical fan base will embrace Waits 2.0 as will mainstream audiences as never before.

3. Phish Break Up and Get Back Together

During their spring tour, Trey Anastasio will tearfully announce that Phish have once again reached an impasse and decided to go their separate ways. During the summer, each former member of the band will embark on various unsuccessful projects, including six instrumental solo albums by Trey, a collaborative album between Mike Gordon and Living Colour’s drummer, an anthology of limericks by Page Mcconell and a new album from Jon Fishman‘s Pork Tornado. This fall, on Phish’s website, the band will issue a statement saying they’ve realized they are at their happiest and most creative when working together. The subsequent early winter tour will be their most well-attended since the previous reunion tour.

2. Scarlett Johansson Records 2pac Tribute Album

Undaunted by the universal scorn that greeted her album of Tom Waits covers, Scarlett Johansson will continue to pursue her musical ambitions. Setting her sights on martyred hip-hop legend 2pac, Johansson and producer Daniel Lanois will release an album of down-tempo  interpretations of 2pac’s songs. The album sells poorly, becoming a a synonym for celebrity excess and pop-culture vapidity. It’s greatest condemnation will come from 2pac’s mother, Afeni Shakur, who says of the album, “It’s the worst thing to happen to my son since he got shot.”

1. Bono Reveals Indifference To Injustice and Suffering

In a candid interview with Playboy, U2′s Bono will confess his various altruistic endeavors are part of a series of publicity stunts that, as the singer will put it, “…have paid off handsomely.” The Irishman will go onto admit that he “couldn’t really care less about other people’s problems. Have you seen my massive house? It’s bigger than most high schools. I’m not going to mope around over some starving people I’ll never meet when I’m living like an Egyptian emperor, am I?” When pressed for anything that does bother him, Bono will admit that, “Sometimes my personal chef will behave a little informally around me. That irks me to no end.”

When two or more creative personalities dissolve a partnership, the inevitable disparity of accomplishment between the former collaborators can be anything from slight to a gaping chasm. Consider Cheech & Chong. When the comedy duo parted ways, Cheech Marin’s success eclipsed Tommy Chong’s considerably.

Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, a Famous Chonger

In the world of music, this phenomenon is all too common. Here are some unfortunate people who “Chonged” it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lq_TowFGLU8

Grant Hart

Hart was a vocalist and drummer for Husker Du. Hart composed about a third of the band’s songs, including many of their best. (Just listen to “Terms of Psychic Warfare.”) When the they split, the band’s other principle songwriter, Bob Mould, went on to achieve his greatest success with a new project, Sugar. These days, Mould’s a respected solo artist who released his ninth solo album to acclaim last year. Hart, on the other hand, has not fared as well. He was misdiagnosed as HIV positive following Husker Du’s break-up. He lived under that misapprehension for six months. His solo career, while producing some memorable and worthwhile albums, hasn’t come close to Mould’s prosperity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXqVpAHY33U

Pete Wylie

Undoubtedly, many of those fortunate enough to have seen The Clash in their heyday were inspired to form bands of their own. The Crucial Three was one such band. They wouldn’t last long enough to record anything, but two of their members would go on to achieve fame and glory. Ian McCulloch formed Echo & The Bunnymen. Julian Cope would find his niche with Teardrop Explodes and as a solo artist. The other guy? Well, Pete Wylie was in a number of bands and, to be fair, he enjoyed a small degree of success. On the other hand, ever hear of Wah!? No? Didn’t think so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_D6nxAa7rA

Einar Örn Benediktsson

The Sugar Cubes were a sort of Icelandic B-52s, and their Fred Schneider was Einar Örn Benediktsson, an eccentric and charismatic co-frontman. The other singing Sugar Cube, Bjork, would go on to achieve massive international success and icon status.  Benediktsson kept a much lower profile following his band’s break-up, writing a bit here and there and releasing the occasional, obscure album.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBapowibBO8

Johnny Marr

Perhaps the most famous musician to Chong on this list, Johnny Marr was one-half of The Smiths songwriting team, a group that influenced and inspired generations. To this day they are one of the 80′s most beloved bands. Unfortunately,they fell apart after four albums. Morrissey went solo and had no trouble maintaining his legions of fans. As integral as Marr was, writing all the band’s music, he has not been able to parlay his credentials to nearly the same degree. As Morrissey continues to release high-profile albums and embark on prestigious tours, Marr’s greatest successes have been sporadic appearances on other artists albums and the occasional stint as a sideman in groups like Modest Mouse.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IAdfGIG-cw

Andrew Ridgely

They may be nothing more than a punchline today, but Wham! were quite popular when they first hit the scene. The duo put out three multi-platinum albums in four years, no small feat. Frustrated with the teen-baiting corner they’d painted themselves into, George Michael dissolved the group and went solo, releasing one of the best-selling albums of all-time and cementing his status as pop-star-for-life. Ridgely tried his hand at racing before unsuccessfully attempting to relaunch his music career. These days, he golfs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyMkLlOAOx0

Rodan

KMD were no great triumph. The endearing hip-hop trio were beset by some terrible luck. For one thing, one of their members, Subroc, was killed during the production of their second album. Subsequently, their label deemed that album too offensive for release and shelved it. It would not see the light of day for another eight years, in an attempt to capitalize on the momentum of former-KMD member (and Subroc’s brother) Zev Love X’s success under his new alias, MF Doom. KMD’s other founding member, Rodan, hasn’t done anything more notable than a couple of under-the-radar releases and a handful of appearances on MF Doom albums.