As most of you well know, the internet is host to a seemingly infinite number of semi-literate and wholly-baffling opinions. (See this website for several examples.) Perhaps the greatest concentration of these can be found at the retail monolith amazon.com, where customer reviews defy the laws of grammar and logic more often than not. Let’s examine a few of the different ways we can enjoy the dubious meditations of amazon critics. All reviews are quoted exactly, typos and all, except when personal information has been censored.
1. One Star Reviews of Albums Commonly Accepted as “Great”
…on “Rubber Soul” by The Beatles
“Okay, let’s get it straight! I listen to this CD from the Florissant Valley County Library only once because ALL of the songs are totally BORING! I don’t think I’ll buy this CD…maybe………………………MY E-MAIL ADRESS IS thebeatlesfan*****@yahoo.com”
-This woman thinks Rubber Soul is a one-star album, yet her email address begins with “the beatles fan.” Also, she seems undecided on buying it, despite assigning it such a low score.
“This is nowhere near the finest album ever recorded. I’d say somewhere between #100 & #200. I have heard local bands do better than songs like this.”
-You know, even being on the low end of the top 200 hundred albums of all time would be quite an honor.
“Ok…but i prefer Jim Nabors…his voice and styling is superior to the Beatles…and a much better actor..”
-Unfortunately, few artists stand up to the “Jim Nabors Litmus Test.” People looking for a quick grammar lesson take note, this is exactly how to use ellipses.
…on “Kind of Blue” by Miles Davis
“This is one of the worst albums I’ve ever bought. It’s so boring and lifeless. Good to fall asleep to.”
-Who doesn’t fall asleep to albums they otherwise despise?
“C’mon, this stuff is a drag! If you have to ‘acquire’ a taste for this stuff, then it hasn’t hit you right off, which is what great music does. No waiting for the effect….great music says HELLO!!!…..not….Shhhhh…..it’s time for sleep! One reviewer compared this to Dark Side of the Moon, but at least on DSOTM, Pink Floyd had the sense to add the alarm clocks to stir you. Closing time music for the droll and lifeless. One star out of pity!!!”
-If Kind of Blue had alarm clock noises, it would certainly be a better album. Well said.
2. Five Star Reviews of Albums Commonly Accepted as “Terrible”
…on “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” by Limp Bizkit
“If you like limp bizkit you will love this cd even if you don’t you will like some of the songs. if you like there mello stuff then you will love hold on or boiler. and if you are a true hardcore limp fan like me then you will love their whole cd.”
-This is actually a fair point. I’m simply amused that the possessive form of they is attempted twice and successfully executed once.
“I’m a long time fan of limp bizkit I have been awating this cd For ever. I’m so happy it is fimaly out. I found that in each of limp bizkits Cd they have a different stly. this one is slofter but more swairing witch is cool. The last one was more rap and the first ws more hard rock. I love the track livin it up.”
-Yep. Pretty much says it all.
…on “All or Nothing” by Milli Vanilli
“This group was still awesome to me after I found out that they were not singing. They still brought the style and dance to the songs which is what made them sell. I still love this CD and I will always listen to it.”
-But will you always dance to it?
“Indeed, the entire Milli Vanilli front-show was a facade. However, after 10 years, the music is still cutting edge. I believe it still will be in another decade.
From the stompin’ “Girl You Know it’s True” to the tender ‘I Gonna Miss You’, the album is exceptional.
I suggest you listen for yourself and relive the late 80′s with a new perspective on dance music.”
-This guy describes the album as both “stompin” and “tender.” Coincidentally, you can make things tender by stomping on them.
3. Reviews that support your out-of-step opinion
…on “Drama” by Yes (which I love)
“This album has more in common with the nine years prior to it than anything the band has done since. It has all of the harmonic and rhythmic complexity, the amazing energy and musicianship of any of the their best work. If you love 70′s prog, buy this album.”
-Amen, brother.
” ‘Drama’ is often overlooked and denegraded because of the absence of Anderson & Wakeman. Oh boo hoo ! ‘Drama’ ROCKS and stands on its own as a gem among the Yes discography. There is not a single bad moment on “Drama” with all 6 songs delivering the goods. The bonus tracks are OK, but nothing spectacular. The Roger Dean cover art has to be one of the all time best. You can find this disc at a nice price and you cannot go wrong with this selection unless you were expecting a ‘dramatic’ reading of Hamlet”
-Word
…on “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” by Wilco (which I don’t care for)
“Yuck. There’s no other way to describe this pile of garbage. If this is what I have to look forward to from Wilco from now on they might as well throw in the towel now while they still have some dignity left and leave us with the other outstanding albums they’ve done like Being There.”
-Giggle
“I bought this CD after reading all the great reviews and hearing all the hype about it. Ever since, I’ve been listening to it over and over, trying to figure out what people find so great about it. I’d advise you to download some of the songs first and decide for yourself. Like another reviewer said, don’t buy into the hype.”
-A more tempered opinion.
