A lot of us at Pure Pop have been in this music game for a while. When you spend as much time following the news and watching the trends as we do, you develop a sixth sense for what’s coming next. Don’t believe us? Bookmark this page and look at it again in one years’ time. You will be shocked by how accurate these predictions turn our to be. (Note: The following is strictly a piece of comedy. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.)

5. Kanye West Mauled by Bear

During a visit to the San Diego Zoo, the contentious Kanye West will misinterpret a grizzly bear’s scratching of an itch as a personal affront. In retaliation, West will enter the cage and confront said bear, only to be mauled and disfigured. Surviving the incident, West will post a poorly-written and insincerely-self-deprecating post on his blog acknowledging that his hubris has once again left him with egg on his face.

4. Tom Waits Experiences Career Renaissance Due to Tonsillectomy

Gravel-voiced icon Tom Waits will undergo a necessary tonsillectomy this spring. Consequently, Waits’ gruff, growling vocal delivery will be forever changed. His growling tenor will transform into a smooth alto croon. Invigorated and inspired by his new Rick-Astley-esque voice, Waits will release a series of lively big-band arrangements of his most beloved songs. His initially skeptical fan base will embrace Waits 2.0 as will mainstream audiences as never before.

3. Phish Break Up and Get Back Together

During their spring tour, Trey Anastasio will tearfully announce that Phish have once again reached an impasse and decided to go their separate ways. During the summer, each former member of the band will embark on various unsuccessful projects, including six instrumental solo albums by Trey, a collaborative album between Mike Gordon and Living Colour’s drummer, an anthology of limericks by Page Mcconell and a new album from Jon Fishman‘s Pork Tornado. This fall, on Phish’s website, the band will issue a statement saying they’ve realized they are at their happiest and most creative when working together. The subsequent early winter tour will be their most well-attended since the previous reunion tour.

2. Scarlett Johansson Records 2pac Tribute Album

Undaunted by the universal scorn that greeted her album of Tom Waits covers, Scarlett Johansson will continue to pursue her musical ambitions. Setting her sights on martyred hip-hop legend 2pac, Johansson and producer Daniel Lanois will release an album of down-tempo  interpretations of 2pac’s songs. The album sells poorly, becoming a a synonym for celebrity excess and pop-culture vapidity. It’s greatest condemnation will come from 2pac’s mother, Afeni Shakur, who says of the album, “It’s the worst thing to happen to my son since he got shot.”

1. Bono Reveals Indifference To Injustice and Suffering

In a candid interview with Playboy, U2′s Bono will confess his various altruistic endeavors are part of a series of publicity stunts that, as the singer will put it, “…have paid off handsomely.” The Irishman will go onto admit that he “couldn’t really care less about other people’s problems. Have you seen my massive house? It’s bigger than most high schools. I’m not going to mope around over some starving people I’ll never meet when I’m living like an Egyptian emperor, am I?” When pressed for anything that does bother him, Bono will admit that, “Sometimes my personal chef will behave a little informally around me. That irks me to no end.”