For those of you that have never had the misfortune of meeting Tanner McCuin, allow me to give you a primer. In addition to being the Pure Pop Czar of All That is Cyber, he’s a petty and conceited man who’ll happily pontificate for hours on matters he knows nothing about. If you question any of his divergent and often conflicting points, or even ask him to clarify one, he’ll either retreat screeching from the conversation or volley a series of increasingly personal attacks. Whatever personality the man has is obscured by a swollen nest or poorly employed affectations intended to establish the neo-bohemian intellectual he desperately wants to be.

Let’s take a look at the opening paragraph of Tanner’s most recent blog entry, a “review” of a Dungen and Fleet Foxes show.

I showed up to Club Metropolis twenty minutes before Dungen hit the stage, a heartfelt desire to not be disappointed and a bottle of cheap strawberry daiquiri mix burning a hole in my stomach. I had been here most recently to see The National, their Boxer LP and Virginia EP being two of my most listened to albums from the previous year or so and while their performance was spirited, I felt they had a hard time translating their brooding heavily produced between-you-and-me delivery to the broad strokes required for such a large venue and seemingly disinterested audience. That experience had left me seriously questioning my interest in live music, at least, in seeing live many of the bands I enjoy in headphones.

As the experience of seeing The National left Tanner disinterested in seeing comparable bands perform live, the experience of reading this paragraph leaves all but the masochistically curious disinterested in reading the rest of the article. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Tanner, warts and all (all=more warts). The paragraph is convoluted and narcissistic. If Tanner’s writing style was a means of ascending stairs, it would be going up backwards on your hands and knees while talking a lot of nonsense. His ideas go nowhere, and take forever to do so.

I recently sat down with Tanner in an attempt to understand the mechanics of his being. The following is a sort of highlight reel of our conversation.

Herb van der Poll: Hello Tanner.

Tanner McCuin: What’s cracking?

HV: (sighs in disgust) How would you characterize yourself?

TM: Uhm… I don’t really like to pigeon-hole myself. I’m just a guy trying to live my life, attending to my responsibilities as best I can.

HV: Right. Sure. What do you do for fun?

TM: Well, I like to spend time with my friends, my dog. I keep up on music, tech, films, etc. You know what I mean. We’re pretty similar.

HV: (under breath) You wish. (Audibly) Right. What’s it like being such an asshole?

TM: (laughs)

HV: Seriously.

TM: (Apparently under the false impression I’m kidding.) It’s great. (Laughs again.)

HV: What kind of music do you like?

TM: Oh, a little bit of everything. (Ed. note-pretentious) Some of my favorite artists include Will Oldham, Richard Thompson, Kate Bush, New Order… Uhm… I really like ambient music, neo-psych…

HV: Blah, blah, blah. I get it. Shitty stuff no one else likes.

TM: (laughs) Yeah. Pretty much.

HV: The old paradigm of music production and distribution has evolved quite a bit in the last ten years or so. Do you think we’re approaching a period of stability, or is that further ahead?

TM: Well, I think that’s an interesting question with a complicated answer. Clearly, the old model hasn’t dissolved completely, as many predicted it would by now. I can only speculate, but-

HV: I’m just kidding. No one cares what you think about that kind of stuff.

TM: Uhm.. O

kay.

HV: In fact, no one cares what you think about anything. This interview is

over.

TM: Okay.

HV: Wanna get a beer after work?

TM: Sure.