Ah, 1981. Ronald Reagan was president, Raiders of the Lost Ark was the top grossing film and MTV launched. It was also the year Tanner McCuin and his brother from another mother Herb van der Poll were born. In honor of that wonderful year and the fact we can’t think of anything else to write about, Tanner and Herb have decided to discuss the top 5 singles globally of 1981.

1. “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes

Tanner McCuin – Who the fuck is Kim Carnes? We’re gonna have to go to Youtube for this one.

Herb van der Poll - According to Wikipedia, it was sampled by Akon on “Angel Eyes”, and is featured in the movie Duets, where it’s performed by Gwyneth Paltrow.

***The guys listen to the song***

Tanner – I kind of like it.

Herb – Ugh. That sounds like a friend’s demo. A bad one.

Tanner – There’s a Kathleen Turner thing going on. Makes me want to watch Romancing the Stone.

Herb – I like the keyboard tone, but my mind is blown that this was any kind of success. Can we stop now?

Tanner – She sounds like a female Rod Stewart.

Herb – She sounds like a male Rod Stewart.

2. Soft Cell – “Tainted Love”

***Long pause. Both sip coffee while loading video on l’internet***

Herb – I prefer the original version.

Tanner -  I like the addition of the shuffely beat. Also, that the guy in the video is a Virgo like me. Therefor, I give it two thumbs up.

Herb – Do you remember towards the end of the Coneheads movie when Dan Akyroyd is singing this song?

Tanner – I do not.

Herb – What’s the Conehead patriarch’s name? Algar?

Tanner – Nah, dog. That’s Garth’s last name in Wayne’s World.

Herb – (looks it up) Beldar. Anyway, Beldar’s singing of the song is meant to convey how much he’s embraced our culture. I believe the film is saying to know Soft Cell is to know what it means to be human.

Tanner – Yeah. That’s probably it.

3. Phil Collins – “In The Air Tonight”

Herb – Finally. An unequivocally great song. I happen to know that he showed this track to the guys in Genesis and they didn’t want to do it.

Tanner – All I can think of when I listen to this song is David Copperfield. (shrugs)

Herb – I suppose it does have a Dickensian quality. The sense of helplessness in random yet inevitably occuring tragedy.

Tanner - You have a Dick-headsian quality. I was talking about the magician.

Herb – Erm…. How about that drum sound?

Tanner – There are a lot of hilarious urban legends surrounding this song.

Herb – …and they’re all true. Like how Phil Collins is singing about withnessing a murder, and then the murderer heard it at a Phil Collins show and was so riddled with guilt he killed himelf.

Tanner – That was the first time he’d heard the song?

Herb – Totally. The dude went because he loved Sussudio.

4. John Lennon “Woman”

Herb – This was the first single issued after Lennon’s death.  It’s crap. The only reason it was a success was because people were mourning.

Tanner – Mention that you looked that up on wikipedia.

Herb – Do I have to every time?

Tanner – Yes. Anyway, you can tell why this isn’t one of his more revered songs.

Herb – This compounds the tragedy of Lennon’s assassination. Seriously.

Tanner – Was it technically an assassination?

Herb - Sure.

Tanner (looks up assassination) “The targeted murder of a high profile person.”

Herb - There you go.

Tanner – It is really sweet how devoted he was to his wife.

Herb (rolls eyes)

5. Stars on 45 – “Stars on 45″

Herb - Another one I have never heard of. This job takes me to really interesting places. Youtube it!

***Youtubed it***

Tanner – Gosh.

Herb – It’s sort of like the Girl Talk of the 80′s.

Tanner – We’ve just discovered the proto-mashup.

Herb – Hmmm…. A Dutch act doing novelty medleys of pop songs with a disco beat. I’m in heaven.

***Long Pause***

Herb – Uhm. Let’s watch it again.

Tanner – No one said this job was easy.

***Watched it again***

Herb - It’s a really interesting kind of awful. It’s out of place with what we conventionally think of the late 70′s or early 80′s being like aesthetically.

Mike Crandall - (Chimes in) The thing about Stars on 45 is there’s not really any artistic value to it whatsoever.

Tanner – Concurred. Like modern mash-ups, they’re just throwing everyone’s favorite songs together with a beat so people can shake their ass and make out.

Herb - What are you trying to say?

Tanner - I’ve got some sugar-free cranberry juice and vodka in the fridge. How many Stars on 45 videos are on youtube?

Herb – Dozens.