We’ve had plenty of people weigh in on the best music of the past year, reinforcing my conviction that 2009 was a superlative year for aural fetishists. However, let us not forget the dross, for there has also been a whole lot of crap. In recognizing some of the worst these past twelve months have had to offer, be grateful you have discriminating tastes. Some people eat this shit up.
Chickenfoot – Chickenfoot
The debut from this “supergroup” is the sonic equivalent of Roger Moore’s performance in View to a Kill, in which a 57-year-old Moore phones in an awkward farewell performance as James Bond, a role he should have given up fifteen years prior. Sammy Hagar (Van Halen), Marc Anthony (Van Halen), Joe Statriani and Chad Smith (Red Hot Chili Peppers) are clearly trying to carry the Led Zepplin mantle but simply come off as a terrible bar band. Even if you love Joe Satriani and Hagar-era Van Halen, this album has nothing to offer you but incompetent riffs and the death-rattle like rasps of a man who used to be able to carry a tune.
Asher Roth – Asleep in the Bread Aisle
With any other album on this list, if you were to say to me, “Herb. I know it’s not your thing, but I like it,” I’d let you have it. Lord knows I listen to plenty of stuff that other people despise. The exception is this musical abomination by Asher Roth, who’s break out single “I Love College” is lazy, derivative and repugnant. The kind of lifestyle Roth celebrates with his music is characterized by merry ignorance, lecherous sexuality and milquetoast wit. Roth is the embodiment of the worst qualities of mainstream music and the manufactured personalities it produces.
Owl City – Ocean Eyes
Tacky. Saccharine. Overly-sentimental. Garbage. Ocean Eyes is a Postal Service record filtered through a Family Circus cartoon. Every song is a polished-to-nothing and empty-headed epic-ballad that makes Captain & Tennille sound like Black Sabbath. I feel a little bad writing this, because I believe Adam Young, who is Owl City’s sole member, is a sincere songwriter. Unfortunately, he gives me a severe allergic reaction.
Various Artists – The Michael Jackson Remix Suite
The crass commercial exploitation that follows a celebrity’s death is as likely as the wetness that follows rain, but as often and inevitably as the macabre exercise occurs, it never loses its capacity to disgust. There were a number of releases in the wake of Michael Jackson’s death that exemplified this, but none more so than The Michael Jackson Remix Suite, a collection of profoundly boring remixes of Jackson’s hits that have sapped the originals of their vitality and charm. If the goal of this album was to reflect via Jackson’s songs what Jackson did to himself, mission accomplished. Like the former King of Pop, these songs are grotesque, unnatural caricatures that have been sedated to death.
